if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
