halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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