i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
