And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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