i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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