i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
my phone needs a breathalizer
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
