So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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