I'm jealous of your bromance
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I don't deserve a penis
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
