Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i dont even know how to be here
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
