i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
