let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.