Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
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He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
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Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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