I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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