You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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