The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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