Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
