addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
