I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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