you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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