i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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