There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
