Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
