Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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