Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
