My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
