The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
