Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
