I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
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