I wish my penis had an off switch
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
