I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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