I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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