i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
