come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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