The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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