epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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