drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
