My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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