God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
