i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
My penis needs a shock collar
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
