What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
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I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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