i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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