Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
