Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
