I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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