I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
