nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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