i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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