i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
