Rock
Scissors
Fuck
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
