well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize