New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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