I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
