I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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