you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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