when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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