I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
